i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
My vagina just recognized that song.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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