First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
