Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
