Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
