I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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