I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
