my mouth tastes like poor choices
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
