alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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