a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
