There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
