wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
How's work?
Spinning.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
