If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
