Swine flu. Run for my life!
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
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