i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
