I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
