You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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