i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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