oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize