You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
