All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
