my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
