Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
