it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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