I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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