Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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