I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
