I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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