I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
