i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My vagina just recognized that song.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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