oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
