I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Someone signed my nipple.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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