He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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