Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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