brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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