Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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