I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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