Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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