not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
