Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
