just survived the first fart of the relationship.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
