DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
