I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize