I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
