Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
