Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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