He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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