No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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