I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
