Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
