$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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