I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You took a bar mat shot.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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