I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
