Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
