Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
