i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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