Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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