Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
